Season Prediction... I Still Hate the Patriots

We are less than a week away from the regular season and the anticipation couldn’t be higher. Tom Brady can pick up where he left off in search of total NFL annihilation, DeAngelo Williams will try to prove that his 20 TD’s weren’t a fluke, and PETA will finally have something to do where somebody will listen; it just won’t be NFL fans. Nothing against PETA, it’s just that freeing lobsters from the supermarket strikes me as irrelevant.

On the news front, Richard Seymour, the Patriots stalwart defensive end, was traded to the Oakland Raiders for a 2011 first round draft pick. Apparently that’s when the rookie salary cap will take effect, leading me to believe that high first round picks might actually be worth something more than a wasted shot to the wallet. What does this mean for the Patriots? It tells me they’re trying to get younger on the defensive side of the ball.

Moving on to more important matters… Predictions! Everybody has them, everyone is almost always wrong, and everyone will continue to make them despite the odds. Sports Illustrated has the Patriots and the Bears squaring off in Miami on February 7, 2010, with a final score of 30-27. Can you guess who they have as the winner? If you said the Bears I would congratulate for suggesting a second bitter defeat for Brady and Co. But no, they have the Patriots taking at all. I will say that I’m tired of hearing about all this “unfinished business” for the Patriots. So they didn’t have their perfect season (though I will say I found it perfect that the Patriots would go undefeated until the very last minute, when it actually mattered), and so what. They have three, count them, yes, THREE Super Bowl titles in the last decade. It was such a sour turn for Belichik’s boys, that Tom Brady didn’t even show up to the pro-bowl, for some obnoxious reason. Talk about a sore loser. Aaaannnyyy waaayyy, moving on.

It's up to you to decide whether or not you believe me. I encourage you to leave feedback, the more slanderous the better.

I think Sports Illustrated is full of it. My predication is the Eagles beating the Steelers, 27-23. Why? Because I’m an Eagles fan. Would I put money on that bet? Hell no! But really, you’ll find that I’m a die hard Eagles fan. I try to be impartial, but it’s just too hard not to when predicting a Super Bowl. So maybe we should replace the word “prediction” with the phrase, “long shot hoop dream.” In reality though, below you will find my prediction for division winners, with reasonable explanations attached.

AFC

North: Steelers- Because they’re Champs, because their super-young offensive line has a year and a title under their belt, and because I don’t see the Ravens, Browns, or Bengals doing anything to upset that trend. There’s not really much to say. Oh yea, plus they’re the Steelers and their D’ is buck-wild. Can’t stop it!

South: Texans- Matt Schaub is a rising star. If he can stay healthy, not to mention the all-star cast surrounding him, I don’t see any reason why they can’t slip from under the radar and upset the ever-favorite Colts. They’re in a tough division, if not the toughest, but nobody expects them, and that’s why I like them. Plus, did I mention that the Colts have a new Coach (Peyton Manning has played his whole NFL career under Dungy) and Marvin Harrison is gone. Ahh growing pains…

East: Patriots- Because they’re still bitter. And they have a boat load of talent to boot. I just don’t see anyone being able to upset the unstoppable war machine of New England. Their offense, much like the German Blitzkrieg, is an relentless force that bombards the enemy from land, air and sea, aka Brady, Moss, Welker. If Brady goes down again though, it’s all over. Unless of course they resort to cheating… again... In which case I forecast Belichik having Matt Cassell abducted and having him undergo plastic surgery to make him look like Brady.

West: Chargers- Shawn Merriman is back, though recent news suggests the he beat up Tila Tequila. Recent trends in athlete superstar idiocy suggest that he might actually get in trouble. Probably not though. Regardless, assuming Merriman is back for good, the defense should upgrade to not-so-shitty. Phillip Rivers is on the rise, and apparently LT is not the only running back in San Diego. They have so much talent on either side of the ball, there’s no reason they shouldn’t outlast the Chiefs, Broncos, and Raiders.

Wildcard: Colts and Ravens

NFC

North: Packers- Brett Favre’s retirement, un-retirement, retirement, and subsequent un-retirement has only helped the Packers in my mind. They have a young gun in Aaron Rodgers, old stud Donald Driver, young bucks Greg Jennings and Ryan Grant, and a new Defensive scheme. The Packers have switched to a 3-4 and hope to address Adrian Peterson often. They have the talent, they just need to click. I’m predicting that by week six, they will have their defense working at full steam. I might otherwise say the Vikings if Brett Favre didn’t spell certain doom for any team that picks him up. Karma’s a bitch, and telling your current quarterbacks fighting for a starting job to move over and play bitch to old man winter seems a tad tacky. Plus, who picks up a QB whose interceptions matched his TD’s last year? Lame.

South: Falcons/Saints- Ok, I know, that’s not a prediction, because they can’t both win. They can both lose, but they can’t both win. It truly seems like a toss-up to me. Some might say the Panthers are due, and I respect that, but I just see too much momentum in Atlanta and New Orleans. Atlanta has successfully recovered from the Vick fiasco and found a pristine young QB in Matt Ryan. I like his inimitable mix of poise and swagger. Drew Brees, in turn, cannot be knocked. The offense has relentless in New Orleans, but it’s been their defense as of late that has held them back, and I like the moves they’ve made this off-season to correct that. A new defensive coordinator (Greg Williams, look him up) and a clever draft have them edging out the Falcons, but just barely.

East: Eagles- I know that you know that I would pick the boys in green for this one. But let’s look at this one together and you’ll see my logic. They have some hurdles to overcome on defense, I know. The loss of Free Safety Brain Dawkins (shipped out the Denver), Middle Linebacker Stewart Bradley (out for the season due to a torn ACL), and legendary defensive coordinator/mastermind Jim Johnson (cancer…), has the Philadelphia defense on its knees. Luckily they have a premier pass rush, Quintin Mikell, Assante Samuel, and Sheldon Brown in the secondary, and Sean McDermott taking over for Jim Johnson. McDermott was Johnson’s understudy for nearly a decade. That should help. Not to mention the new offensive line… if they can stay healthy… which is a big “if.” Throw in a smart draft with rookies LeSean McCoy and Jeremy Maclin (who have shown a lot of progress in camp), plus Brian Westbrook, DeSean Jackson (some are saying Steve Smith clone), and that guy Michael Vick. Not to mention Donavan McNabb, a QB everyone seems to respect except Philly fans. Did I mention that T.O. and Plaxico Burress no longer play in the NFC East? On another note, it also seems that Marion Barber and Bandon Jacobs will probably break their own necks, if not someone else’s, by week 8, considering the way they run. Plus, the Birds only play five of last years play-off teams, compared to the seven that Dallas, New York, and Washington will play.

West: Cardinals- The trend… nay… the curse that surrounds Super Bowl losers hangs above Arizona much like the relentless, suffocating Arizona sun. Super Bowl losers tend to fare poorly the season after. It could be from the identity crisis of getting so far and being pounded back to reality. It’s truly the last game you want to lose. Nothing else hurts as bad. Just ask Tom Brady… okay, I’ll stop… for now. I’m thinking that Arizona will buck that trend and make it out on top. It helps that their division consists of the 49’ers, the Seahawks, and the Rams. I think Kurt Warner might not make it through the whole season, but that will only add fuel to the fire that burns within Matt Leinart’s loins. They had a nice draft, they only travel east three times this year, and they have the nastiest receiving core on the NFL, hands down. Their defense could use work, and by firing defensive coordinator Clancy Pendergast (I wouldn’t trust the strength and fortitude of my NFL defense to a man named Pendergast, or Clancy for that matter, would you?) they’ve at least addressed the issue. They have great talent on the defense, just nobody to guide it.

Wildcard: Bears and whoever’s left when the dust settles between Atlanta and New Orleans.

If you disagree, I applaud your right to dissent. You’d be wrong, but that’s another freedom we all cherish. Up next, 5 rookies to keep an eye on, and 5 players I think are poised for breakout seasons.

Rookies

RB Glenn Coffee (SF):The third-round project back showed immense talent in the preseason. As running back committees become ever popular, look for this kid to spell Frank Gore and make the most of it.

RB LeSean McCoy (PHI): Despite his talent, Brian Westbrook can never stay healthy. Enter McCoy, who fell to the second round due to a lackluster combine. He has Westbrook like talents and should see his fair share of touches.

WR Hakeem Nicks (NYG): He’s not Plaxico, but the Giants needed someone tall to throw to, to account for Eli’s proclivity for over-throwing the ball. He may not see a lot of action this season, but given time he could develop. Without the deep threat, the Giant’s offense seems painfully one-dimensional.

QB Mark Sanchez (NYJ)-He looked good for a rookie QB. Given some time, the Jets might have solved their QB woes... for the time being.

TE Brandon Pettigrew (DET): Tight Ends are great options in the red zone, and with a rookie QB starting in week one, expect to see a lot of Pettigrew.

Breakout Players

RB Felix Jones (DAL): As much as it kills me to endorse any player from Dallas, I can't ignore the talent. Jones only played in a few games last season, but he averaged almost 9 YPC. He's a total monster, with great speed and vision. With T.O. out of town and Marion Barber's aggressive running style, I see Jones getting some serious carries. He can score from 20 yards out, and that's threatening.

QB Matt Leinart (ARI): I just can't see 39 year-old Kurt Warner making it through the entire season. Hype was so high for Leinart when he was drafted, so when he was replaced by AARP cardholder Warner, I imagine a rather large chip was nicked into his shoulder. Plus, it can't hurt throwing to Fitzgerald, Boldin, and Breaston.

SS Quintin Mikell (PHI): Because I just have to rep a Philly guy. But seriously, the loss of FS Brian Dawkins and defensive coordinator Jim Johnson leaves the throne of leadership pretty much vacant. Mikell has somehow managed to stay below most radars, suggesting to me that he might catch many twinkle-toed receivers unawares.

CB Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie (ARI): Just don't throw towards this guy. If you have a fantasy WR matched up against him, don't start him. Don't even look him in the eye. He's that dangerous.

RB Pierre Thomas (NO): Reggie who? I imagine that if Pierre has a girlfriend, shes not as hot as Kim Kardashian, and if she is, he's paying. Out of nowhere, Thomas leapt onto the scene as the true running back of the Saints. Bush has the soft hands to make catches and the reputation for fragility to distract defenses, but it's Thomas who owns the ground game. Look for the Saints to force a more balanced attack and use Thomas to gain yards and chew up the clock. Ball control wins games and Pierre Thomas may become a cornerstone to that philosophy in New Orleans.

That's all folks. If I make any more absurd predictions, I might have to admit my inevitable shift from fortune teller to straight faced liar. Check in next week for more news, highlights, and what kind of wings go with what kind of beer.